MISEDUCATION #2.2: Thou Shalt Not Feel Like You’re On MTV.


The year was 1997.
My all time favorite diva- Mariah Carey- released her 6th album, Butterfly.

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As a young, poor, hard-core , #1 Arellano University High School fan, I skipped 5 meals in school to save Php100 to be the first one sa pila para bumili ng cassette tape sa SM Harrison Plaza when the album was launched.

And when they released the first single HONEY, inabangan ko talaga sa MTV Fresh with VJ rahul yung video. At dahil wala pang YouTube noon, aabangan ko ulit yung replay ng program para mapanood ko ulit. I was so euphoric everytime napapanood ko yung kalandian ni Mariah sa video na yun. I think it was the first time she went daring. In fact, yun yung time na naghiwalay sila ng boss/ husband niyang si Tommy Mottola. (Ako na madaming alam. )

I was soo addicted to that song. Paulit ulit ko siya pinapatugtog sa Walkman ko. Yes, – WALKMAN. So, ibig sabihin ire-rewind ko pa. Tapos pag nalow bat, bili ulit ng Eveready batteries. Or worse, like this:

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Ewan ko ba pero everytime I start plugging in my earphones and play the song, it seems like I’m entering a different world. It’s like my own version of music video plus- a soundtrack playing on the background. I can vividly see every single scene on the video – in details- like a motion picture playing in my mind.

And since ako lang ang nakakarinig ng pinapatugtog ko, feeling ko – AKO RIN YUNG NASA MUSIC VIDEO! as in feel na feel ko talaga ako si Mariah. Memorize ko talaga lahat ng galawan niya. As in LAHAT!

Like, pag papasok ako sa pintuan ng bahay ng bestfriend kong si Aling Baby kasama sina Dim at Jim para tumambay.

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‘Pag mahangin sa labas.

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Pag umaahon ako sa swimming pool sa Pansol, Laguna.

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…After swimming para magbihis.

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Or kahit nakaupo lang ako sa sala nagsa-soundtrip habang kanina pa pala ako inuutusan ng tatay ko para mamalengke sa kanto ng subdivision namin.

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And speaking of pamamalengke…isang umaga, inutusan ako ng tatay ko mamalengke sa kanto. Dahil malayo kami sa labasan ng subdivision, ginamit ko yung mountain bike niya sa labas ng bahay.

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Gustong-gusto ko yung ngba-bike ako, naka-shades tapos nakapasak yung earphones ko habang pinapatugtog yung Honey. May part kasi sa music video na nakasakay si Mariah Carey sa jetski habang hinahabol ng mga bandido sa dagat.

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Ginagawa ko, bibilisan ko yung pagpidal sa bisikleta tapos uunahan ko yung mga tricycle or ibang mga nagbbibisikleta sa main road. Sila kunwari yung mga kalaban tapos kunwari hinahabol nila ko. Parang sa music video:

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Minsan, nanggigitgit pako pag mas bata sakin yung nagba-bike.

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Tapos lalagpasan ko silang lahat, feeling ko nakatakas ako sa mga humahabol sakin sa dagat.

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Medyo masakit nga lang sa hita kakapidal lalo na kapag dumarating nako sa pataas na road palabas ng subdivision namin. Kaya bumaba nako akay yung mountain bike kasi antarik talaga, di ko kaya. Babawi na lang ako pauwi kasi free fall na, hindi ko na kailangan ipidal yung bike.

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Pagtapos ko bumili sa Wet & Dry Market sa Salawag, pasak uli ng earphones ūüéß tapos pindot ng ‚Ė∂ÔłŹ para ituloy yung pagsho- shoot ng “music video” ko.

ūüéľ And it’s just like Honey….when your love… Comes…. Over me…
ūüé∂

Humahangin- hangin pa yung buhok ko habang nagba-bike kaya feel na feel ko talaga! Ambilis ng pidal ko, inunahan ko uli yung mga kalaban tricycle, naglalakad tsaka yung bisikletang may sidecar na walang bubong na may angkas na isang sakong bigas. Iniirapan ko pa nga sila eh. Dedma. Tuloy lang ako ng paghagod ng bike hanggang dun sa matarik na daan pababa tas tinigil ko na yung pagpidal kasi free fall na yung mountain bike dire-diretso pababa! Woooooohhhhhh! You cant’t stop me!

ūüéľ All the world, we won,t stop. Hey, Mariah… You’re on Fiyah…ūüé∂

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Antulin ng takbo ko! Tuloy-tuloy yung bike pababa sabay liko pakaliwa papasok sa gate ng subdivision namin. Yes! Naunahan ko yung mga kala—BLAG!

Kitang- kita ko yung nagda-drive ng sidecar lumipad galing sa likod ko sabay tama sa poste sa harapan ko kasabay yung isang sako ng bigas n bumagsak sa kanya!

I turned off my Walkman and took off my eaprhones. “Shet. Anong nangyari?” Pagtingin ko sa likod ko, nakita ko yung gulong ng sidecar niya na- otso.

“Whut the f–“
kinabahan nako.
Nakasunod pala yung sidecar sakin habang matulin akong nagba-bike sa pababang road tapos nung bigla akong lumiko pakaliwa, biglang kabig naman niya ng manibela pakanan para iwasan akong mabangga! Sa sobrang lakas ng pagkahinto niya, tumalsik siya sa unahan ko, tumama sa poste. Ang malupit pa nun, kasunod na bumagsak sa kanya yung isang sako ng bigas!

Pagtingin ko uli sa harap, nakita ko yung sidecar driver minumura nako habang pinipilit niyang iangat yung isang sako ng bigas na nakadagan sa kanya. Wait— parang may dugo pa ata sa ulo!

OMG!!! Pinidal ko ulit at inatakbo ko ng matulin yung bike ko – walang lingon-lingon! Dire-diretso ako hanggang bahay. Pagdating ko sa gate namin, I got off from the bike, snatched the sando bag of groceries and zoomed inside the house. – Sabay lock ng pinto. Nangangatog sa takot. Hindi na ako namalengke sa kanto mula nun. Siguro, halos isang buwan akong hindi nakalabas ng bahay sa takot na baka hunting-in ako ng mga nakakita sa nangyari.

I could not beleive it. Pano ba naman, sa mura kong edad, na nangangarap lang namang umarte sa isang music video, – ay naka-HIT AND RUN ako ng isang sidecar driver na magde-deliver ng bigas.

Mula nun, hindi ko na rin pinapatugtog yung Honey. Pinahiram ko yung cassette tape kay kay Ate Rory, yung kapatid ng kapitbahay naming si Ding a.ka. PUFF DADDY. ( o diba, akala niyo ako lang nagfu-fumeeling?)

Hanggang ngayon pag umuuwi ako sa bahay namin sa Cavite, naaalala ko pa rin yung krimen na nagawa ko. hindi pa rin ako lumalabas ng bahay sa sobrang guilty. Like HOT GUILTY. Coz Feeling ko pa rin…
All the world, they won’t stop. Hey, Mariah…YOU’RE ON FIYAH!

LESSON: Thou Shalt not feel like you’re on MTV pag mamamalengke.

MiSeDuCaTiON # 2.1 The Parable of the Talent and the Sporadic Writer.


It’s been 3 years.


… And in three years…( pause for 3 seconds)

*AMAZING things can happen.
(* emphasis added.)

– Or NOT.

My name is Zapped.
I’m a freelance, non-paid, sporadic writer.

5 years ago, I created a blog where I teach lessons from each mistakes that I encountered. ¬†I called it my¬†MISEDUCATION. ¬†My blog turned out to become a “Day Care” ¬†at ang pinakauna kong naging pupil ay ang bestfriend ko, si¬† “Aling Baby”.

Then, I had a few people who visited the¬†Day Care¬†and “enrolled” for the school year. Soon, I’ve been teaching a class and they called me Teacher Zapped. ¬†My hobby turned out to become my passion as I write my stories. And having someone telling you how much they can relate to what you’ve written or even more inspired of what you are doing, is the most rewarding feeling of all. Dahil dun, I finally realized, I wasn’t born to be the next American Idol or to be the next Steve Jobs.
I was born nothing, but – to WRITE.

And I write about my mistakes.

Intentionally or not, I realized there is something about each mistakes that needs to be discovered. ¬†Painful to experience, yet there is always a hidden wisdom flourishing inside. ¬†And it usually hits you like a ¬†fortune cookie made out of ¬†thick, red ¬†brick right up in your forehead. And when it finally cracks on you, the WISDOM comes out of it. Some small. Some smaller. But most of the time, it’s huge, sharp and it comes in different shapes. Like a gemstone.

 

 

-I call it LESSONS. ¬†Like gems, these treasured wisdom I have earned the hard way. And I’m sharing every piece of it … with you.

MiSeDuCaTioN # 22: The Single’s Prayer.


(I dedicate this “Miseducation” to my Supereverclosestbestfriend Sha. Happy Birthday.)

Single ka rin ba?

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Lagi ka na lang bang “odd” number kasi ikaw lagi yung pangatlo pag kasama ng barkada mo ang shota nila?

Madalas ka bang nag-aadvise sa mga kaibigan mo about issue nila ng boypren/ girlfriend niya at talaga namang ang husay mo magpayo pagdating sa pag-ibig ng tropa mo pero wari bagang naninigas ka na lang na parang bato na tinaihan ni Ibong Adarna pag ikaw na tinatanong tungkol sa lovelife mo kasi wala ka mashado ma-share? Naranasan mo na bang mainggit maurat sa mga lovers na maingay na naglalambingan sa park? Nagsasawa ka na ba maglakad mag-isa pag gabi? Manipis na ba ang unan mo sa mahabang panahong kakayakap mo sa kanya? Umabot ka na ba sa puntong gustong- gusto mo nang may kasama sa sinehan? Gusto mo na ba sumandal sa isang upuan habang may nakaakbay sayo/ inaakbayan ka sa tabi mo? Minsan ba hiniling mo na sana meron ka ring isang taong pwede mong yakapin at pwede mong sabihing SA’ YO?

if not, naging single ka rin naman siguro sa buhay mo. At alam kong alam mo, minsan sa buhay ng isang single na kagaya ko, aminin mo man o hindi, na kahit ilang kaibigan pa ang idagdag mo sa listahan mo, anong branded shirt pa ang isuot mo, kahit gaano pa kamahal ang celfone mo, kahit ilang milyon pa ang pera mo sa bangko o kahit ano pang mahahalagang bagay ang itakip mo sa sarili mo- ALAM KO- NAKARAMDAM KA RIN NG FEELING NA “PARANG MAY KULANG PA RIN” SA BUHAY MO. AMININ NATIN: KAILANGAN MO NG ISANG TAONG KUKUMPLETO SAYO.

For the nth year…hinanap ko kung sino ba ang taong ito. Gustong gusto ko na siyang makilala at i-welcome sa buhay ko. So I tried to search on the prowl. I tried look for this person everywhere. Habang naglalakad sa mall, sa beach, sa simbahan, sa bar, sa kabilang table sa Sbarro, sa bookstore, sa bus, sa fx, sa museum, sa Star City, sa office, sa Burnham Park, sa bertdeyan, sa fiesta, sa palengke..? ( Shopwise naman.), Sa Cebu, sa chatroom, sa friendster, sa text, etc. In short, -I’M LOOKING FOR THE ONE.

Pero hindi pala ganun basta basta mahanap yung taong yun. Ang buhay pala eh hindi kagaya nung napapanood natin sa Drama Rama sa Hapon na umupo ka lang sa Breakwater, may lalapit na sayo at makikipagkilala. Kasi nakailang beses nako umupo sa Baywalk sa likod ng Mall Of Asia–ni isang matinong tao.. walang lumapit. Meron man.. may kapartner na. O kaya yung gwardya. Pinapaalis nako kasi alas dos na ng madaling araw. Sarado na mall. Lagi na lang mga ipis-dagat na nag aakyatan sa bato galing sa seashore ang kasama ko. Tsaka lamok. Maliban dun… wala na. Ilang taon nang ganyan. Ilang pasko na. Ilang bagong taon na…hanggang sa inabutan na naman ako ng…

February 14 2009. Valentine’s Day.

Araw ng mga puso. Araw daw ng mga lovers. (So kaming mga single walang puso, ganun? ) Almost all of my friends have their dates so I was left with only 2 choices: stay inside the house and savor another night of dreadful singleness… or: – GET OUT AND LIVE MY LIFE.

This time, I chose the latter.

And since I’m dating nobody this Valentine’s day, I decided to DATE MYSELF. “I will give anything to my date.” I assured. “What do you want for dinner? “ I thought of getting a Baked Zitti and a Garlic Bread again so I went to MOA (Favorite talaga. Malapit lang kasi samin.) again only to find out nandun pala lahat ng lovers/ couples. (May Lovapalooza party kasi.) And I mean they were literally everywhere! And they are invading Sbarro! I tried to walk away as fast as I could.” Because it’s Valentine’s Day they (lovers) think they own all the places.” I said bitterly. So lumipat ako sa akala kong mas konti ang tao- sa Rice in a Box. Pumila agad ako. Lumingon-lingon lang ako kung ano pang pwedeng bilhin nang biglang sumingit ang isang babaeng ito bitbit ang kanyang boypren. Nakita na nyako dun ah pero talagang tumabi pa sakin at akmang uunahan ako sa pila. At hindi ako nagkamali- nung umusad yung pila, siya ang pumila sa taong nasa harapan ko! Gusto ko nang humiyaw sa galit! Groowwrrrrr!! May Boypren ka na nga eh! Ano pa gusto mo?!!! Porke ba Valentine’s Day ngayon at single ako kaya lahat na lang, pati banaman sa pila gusto niyo kayo bida?! “ sa isip-isip ko kaso hindi ko na nasabi kasi biglang inannounce nung kahera na out of stock na yung order ko. o Diba? May discrimination talaga!

Naiinis na yung “date” ko so I decided to relax and shake those stress away. So I asked ” Wanna go clubbing?” It sounds good to me that night so sinagot ko naman yung tanong ko ng: “Sure!” and the next thing I knew, I was in in front of The Bar*, the busiest and the hottest club that night in Malate. mrjp1ca34s2h2caz4s5r4caxa9g5kcacjvsbtca8qk0wecaj5732ecaqgd9i5caer0nescaaftyzqcalf044wcagxxqtwcaoggmnscab3c8m6canehtwuca9cuvfscab4uorscaltak9nca31hgl3cao7d1tm

2oo pesos equals to 3 stubs consumable to drinks. Usually, I only pay for the entrance and give the stubs to my friends and go straight to the dancefloor kasi hindi naman ako umiinom. (hindi na.9 yrs na.) The club was jampacked. Hindi mahulugang karayom. And ofcourse, it’s VD, so hindi pa rin ako nakatakas sa mga couples sa loob. I tried to ignore them and took me a bottle of San Mig Lite. It’s my first beer bottle after 9 yrs! “I will do everything I want tonight.Well, just for tonight.” after getting it from the bar, I tried to sail away from those dancing couples before I curse them out of jealousy and checked out the other single people around. I know I am an optimistic person and Iwas still hoping before that Valentine’s Day ends ,at least somehow, some magical thing will happen that someone is destined to be there wating for me to finally meet. I spotted some few goodlooking… but that night, I was doomed to be so invisible.

The clock striked 12 o’ clock.clock

… And that magical thing never happened.

I began to sink again. What’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough for someone to have? Do I really have to look like this bitch on the corner licking a guy’s face to be liked? Am I too prudish? Bakit tong mga bisexuals nga sa tabi ko nakakahanap ng partner eh.. bakit ako hindi?

I went out gloomily from the bar for a quick break. I missed smoking. I thought and took a stick from a street vendor across the street. That’s the 2nd indulgence that I had after the beer. I’m still busy thinking about my miserable life as a hopeless romantic single ” looking for someone else” when someone appeared also to be” looking for something else” . A woman opened the garbage bin infront of me and started digging those plastic cups from the bottom. I realized that she’s collecting plastics to sell. ” Pahingi po kahit limang piso pambili lang ng kanin. “ she said. I offered her to get some hotdog sandwich, my treat but she said that 5pesos will be enough to buy rice. She needs to get a good heavy dinner.

I stood there gaping as she took the 5 peso coin from my hand and walked to check the garbage bin standing at the next street.

OMG.How selfish I am! How can I be so consumed thinking ako na ang pinakakawawang tao sa buong mundo (o kahit sa buong malate na lang) Eh samantalang may mas worst pa ngang problema kesa sa paghahanap lang ng jowa! Tapos ako ano? para yun lang nagse-self pity na?Mmmmbobo ko!

That puts me back into sanity again. I threw the half consumed cigarette stick on the street and decided to END THIS BULL—-. And when I say Bull—-, it means stop the searching. Stop the whining. Stop complaining.Stop the waiting.

And just like that, I finally decided to STOP my insanity and JUST LEAVE the country.

TAMA NA. KUNG MERON, DARATING NA LANG YAN. But for now, I gotta do what’s best for me. I will sign the contract to work abroad and fly next week. It’s 3:45 am.I’ll just consume my last stub for a mineral water and go home by exactly 4am. I did my last march inside the bar and give myself my “last dance” as it played my much awaited song ” Shining Star.”

My eyes were closed, moving to the beat, savoring my last few minutes on the jampacked dancefloor. Not caring anymore if people thinks I am the loneliest single person who went to the bar alone that night.

The time is 3:52 a.m. And just about when I was ready to leave, feeling the music for the last time as it fades away,I suddenly felt that someone is also “feeling” my private!

I immediately backed off and looked who owns the hands that “rocks” my cradle. And there, beside me was a 50 year old drunked man who looked like the fish ball vendor where I bought the cigarette, his shirt pulled up and was almost showing his private! I cried for help but no one could hear me because of the noise aside that the club is banging! I tried to escape but the floor is packed I can’t even move! And look, the 50 yr old man is attacking me!!!

For the very first time in my life…. NAGDASAL AKO SA GITNA NG MAINGAY AT NAGSUSUMIKSIKANG DANCE FLOOR. “Help me.” naimpit na boses kong sabi kasi helpless rin naman kahit sumigaw ka.Tanggap ko nang kay suklap ng buhay. Napapikit na lang ako habang nakatitig yung mama sakin aktong aakmain ako ng …

Biglang may kamay na humila ng braso ko and captured me away from the attacker As I opened my eyes, I realized I was held locked inside someone’s arms… And I’ve never felt so safe in my life before. I looked up to see the person who saved my private part…and the most- my dying heart. Instead, I saw the most beautiful smile in the world that night that only helps me to throw my arms on his neck tightly. Help me! pls!”

“Ok. ” He said staring straight back at me as if I am the only person that exists on the dancefloor. “I’m Topher*… Ok ka lang? ”

I tried to check for the 50 yr old guy who started to move back away from us amusingly as he disappeard from the crowd.

” I think I am now.” I assured him as I exhaled for relief.

“Ok.” Topher said. Then he enveloped me inside his arms again. Much better this time. “…Just stay here.”

And when he said “stay here”, he means -“inside his arms” where I was meant to be all along.

I checked my phone. it’s4 a.m. – Topher was a Buzzer Beater.

I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head as I recount the unpleasantries I had that day. After a series of unfortunate events, who would’ve thought this story will end up to become the most beautiful Valentine’s Day Story of all time in my life? And just when you thought everything has blown up… suddenly, something will come up to make everything alright. Yes, I have concluded that this kind of twisted fairy tale love story only happens in movies . But that night… that kind of twisted fairy tale love story – happened to me.

LESSON?

-Even a hopeless romantic single’s prayer in the middle of a noisy dancelfoor can be heard.

ūüôā

MiSeDuCaTioN # 21: The Guessing Game.


        Last week, I was in a mall looking for a cheap replacement  for my lost  name-engravened Silver Parker Pen when I accidentally passed by a Book Sale Store.29012009030

I was overwhelmed. I¬†don’t know how to start. I was so excited to scan¬†those cheap books I can browse for free I almost forgot I only had enough to spend for a 20 peso ballpen. And while¬†I¬†was just canvassing¬†¬†for something to give as a post Christmas present¬†to a friend, I¬†came¬†across¬†this thick, blue,¬†square sized book¬†which title caught up my attention.

¬†¬†310120090343¬† ¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† It was the “20 QUESTIONS” book. A classic game book¬†where you need to guess the correct ¬†answer by the 20 clues given for each subject.

 

 

 

 

 

At the back flip cover of the book there is a spinner to choose the subject. 310120090441

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¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†…¬†¬†and it can be¬†PEOPLE.¬†A¬†PLACE. A THING or the YEAR.¬†¬†

 

 

¬†”¬†Sounds¬†¬†familiar.”¬†I said to myself¬†.¬†¬† This game , apparently, is somewhat always current in a relationship. A game¬†full of¬†guessing and wondering of what’s the truth and what is not. ¬†¬†“Games people play.”¬†¬†¬†31012009060

¬†And speaking of games, My friend¬†Kayleigh*¬†played this game last month.¬†After¬†¬†breaking the record¬† for being single¬†for 8 years in a row,¬†she¬† finally decided to break off the chain. So she packed up her¬†baggage full of singlehood memories and immediately flew out of Singlesville.¬†She was so excited to¬†be back ¬†in a relationship¬†again she wanted to have someone¬†delievered ¬†right to her doorstep¬†like¬†an order from¬†e-Bay.com. But instead, she¬†went¬†in an online chatroom¬†and met Ian*.¬†¬†They¬†were instantly attracted to each other¬†over the webcam.¬†She thought¬†it wouldn’t make a lot of difference in person now¬†so they decided to become online lovers. ” I’m so happy I met you. Thanks. “ she said one night during their midnight unli calls. ” Don’t say Thanks. It sounds goodbye to me. Just say I love you. – I love you, Kayleigh. “ Ian said.

¬†2 weeks of¬† phonecalls and¬†countless¬†I love you over the phone¬†¬†later, They¬†finally went for¬†the much awaited eye-ball. They were exactly the¬†way they described each other.¬†They went to a small park and tried to make everything real like it was over the phone and¬† tried to be the best¬†for each other that ¬†night.¬†Although they¬†didn’t¬† kiss that night coz Ian said he needs to go early, Kayleigh held her hand before they went home. ” He might be too shy. ” she told¬†herself.¬† “it’s alright.¬†It’s still our first date. “¬†¬†That night, kayleigh is officially in a relationship.

She woke up the next day still wearing a big smile she was wearing since¬†last night. She can’t believe this is happening. She woke up non-single anymore. She is now in a relationship with someone that she likes and loves her back. Atleast that’s what she thought¬†so. Until she read¬†Ian’s text message on her phone¬†while she was¬†sleeping:

” Thanks.”

Kayleigh didn’t get it at first, but then she suddenly remembered what Ian meant with that word so she tried to call him back and sent him a message. But¬† no response.¬†¬†

She  never heard of him again since then.

And just like that… Kayleigh¬†was back in Singlesville.

I flipped through the¬†pages inside the game¬†book. I can’t help but think¬†of ¬†MY OWN QUESTIONS¬†about this game¬†called¬†LOVE.¬†Questions Kayleigh also have, ¬†like: Does s/he really likes me? Why didn’t¬† s/he call me back?¬† What did I do? Why Didn’t I saw it coming? What have I done to deserve this?

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¬†As I checked out this¬†page with¬†sample ¬†clues to solve the puzzle, I noticed that it’s hard to know the answer right away ¬†from the 1st given clue. For you to finally guess the correct answer, YOU NEED TO GET MORE CLUES.¬† Kayleigh was caught offguard. She wasn’t aware¬†of the upcoming tragic.¬†And before she knew Ian will blew it all over her face, it was over.

In¬†a relationship, we all want to know the real score.¬†WE WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.¬†¬†Wether if we want to know if someone is cheating, or somone wants to break up with you.- we all need clues ¬†to find out so that we can avoid the most hurting part. If someone didn’t kiss you on your first date… does it automatically means the guy is just not that¬†into you? Or are they too afraid to¬†be accused¬†of taking advantage? If you often calls your bf/gf first more than s/he¬†do, does it necessarily means you have more feelings than s/he do for you?

I can’t help but wonder: ” IF YOU ARE BLINDED ¬†INLOVE, ARE THERE ENOUGH CLUES IF SOMEONE WOULD ONLY BREAK YOUR HEART? “

MiSeDuCaTiON # 20: GHOST TOWN.


DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOST?  ghost1

I grew up hearing lots of different stories about ghosts in our small neighborhood in Pasay City. My friend’s sister ¬†Joan, once¬†claimed she saw one of our friend¬†Jeffrey, waving goodbye as he went inside dark the corner¬†beside a parked truck… just a few days¬†after his death. ghost-2

 

 

I, also claimed to see one.¬†The only thing is… this¬†kind that I have¬†can really bite you in reality. The ghost that gives me a total fright just by a single thought of it. The kind that makes me lock inside my room the whole day and almost shook me from within.

 The Ghost of My Past.

Once in my life.. I had a childhood.¬†And I never thought how fragile it was to be of age 7 until someone¬†made a scar on my early memory. My Older brother’s friend,¬†Bill* abused me, sexually.¬†At first, I thought he¬†only wants to join me in¬†my playing¬†but I’m wondering why¬†was he leading me to the comfort room. From¬†there¬†he¬†made me do things little one shouldn’t know, He made me touch something that I have and¬†I swear to ___ I don’t know why I have to relinquish my young¬†strength to his persuasion.¬†I know¬†perfectly¬†¬†it only¬†happened once… but the effect¬†is still vivid and alive. It’s following me… giving me the chills of heavy guilt….And it’s been haunting me eversince.

But my curiousity led me to a habit. And my habit, is starting to create an addiction.¬†But before it even grow to create a character which I ghastly refuse to become… I decided to put an action to it.

I tried everything to get away from it. Even if it takes moving to another city and has cost me to be away from my closest friends. I tried to keep it from everybody else and pretend it doesn’t exist. But somehow, the more I tried to keep it.. the more it became powerful. Real¬†and intense.

So, I tried to change. I tried to change my environment.¬† I tried to change the way I live. Cutted off some huge amount of friends that might endulge me¬†to do it and¬†I even tried changing my beliefs about the Maker and¬†cling to my religion to make it totally disappear. And I’m glad I made a way to battle the fear it has made on me.¬†One day I woke up¬†feeling it¬†wasn’t there anymore and I’ve never felt so¬†healthy than before.¬†SO I MADE A CONCLUSION THAT THERE IS NO GHOST TO SCARE ME ALL MY LIFE.

Until,many years later… I saw myself working in an office heading to the Comfort Room. Inside, I saw a man¬†staring at me¬†on the mirror. His eyes were fixed straight at me¬†that somehow¬†made me feel uncomfortable.But then I tried to¬†overcome the growing chills on my back by being brave enough to offer my left hand¬†and promptly introduced myself…but the moment he reached my hand, thinking it’s a call for a firm handshake, I knew there was something beaneath this man that gives me the goosebumps.¬†And as¬†his hand pulled mine to invite me to touch “his private” that puts me into a deep state of shock, I knew, right there and then-THE GHOST OF MY PAST IS BACK.

I was immediately captured by a whirlpool¬†back in¬†the time¬†I first met my ghost. The situation and the feelings was familiar and nostalgic. I became the 7 year old trembling kid again whose fears came up to every piece of his hair, reluctantly giving the man infront of him the freedom to do his own will. I was as weak as I were again, so¬†I’ve watched history repeated itself while ¬†the “Ghost” took all the advantage to do it¬†all over¬†again.¬†

And the next thing I know… I was there, sitting alone inside¬†the washroom¬†cubicle, curled up… petrified, and I’m 29 again. The temperature went back¬†to normal, but my sanity wasn’t. I’ve never felt so bad about myself as much as I felt for that day. As the fact of the matter, It only made me feel more worst and confused about myself hundreds of times more than before.

I thought I’m brave enough. I thought I’d never let this happen to me again. And I thought THERE IS¬†NO SUCH THING AS GHOST. -YET WHY DOES IT SCARES ME TO DEATH?

This question brought me to realization to think what I¬†have done. I know¬† that somehow, inspite my rationalization… I am also responsible for every action that I chose to do. I forgot that I am my own master to choose what I will. And I¬†know¬†now¬†what is¬†RIGHT¬†from¬†WRONG.¬†And that I’m only human¬†who was given¬†my own set of ¬†weaknessess to humble myself enough to know that I needed to learn from my own mistakes. Even if sometimes, it’s the same exact mistakes that I’m still trying to battle over and over again until I become perfect in it. And¬†I know it’s not the GHOST of my past that really scared me the most.

– IT”S MY OWN¬†GUILT.

So, everytime I visit my old block in Pasay, or wash my face infront of the mirror inside a¬†comfort room, I KNOW IT”S THERE. It feels like a shadow breezing over me everytime I remember what happened in my past. And it keeps on haunting me if¬†I will not take heed and follow my instincts. And it reminds me of how it feels like being scared again. Every place where I commited my mistakes suddenly will¬†turn out to be like a ghost town.ghost-town

BUT YOU CAN BEFRIEND THIS GHOST¬†ONLY IF YOU WILL LEARN TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT AFTER IT REMINDS YOU THE AWEFUL FEELING¬†THAT TORMENTED YOU FROM YOUR MISTAKES. AND I KNOW EVERYONE¬† HAVE THIS KIND OF GHOST IN¬†US TO HELP REMIND US NOT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN.¬†AND THERE’S NO WAY WE CAN EVER ESCAPE IT…¬†IT LIVES WITHIN¬†US.

¬†-It’s called¬†CONSCIENCE.

MiSeDuCaTiON #19: Word Of The Day (V1.2)


“CHARARAT”

– it means super chaka raised to the 2nd power. Mas mabisa ang expression na ito pag ginagamit mo ito habang galit na galit ka dun sa tinutukoy mo.

Ex: SITUATION: Ako habang kinakausap ko yung pamangking kong si Buffy na feeling maganda pero negra naman. Siya daw si Mariah Carey.

Hoy! patayin mo daw yung gripo sabi ni Mama Inday! kanina ka pa suklay ng suklay jan sa salamin jang negra kang chararat ka!”

-Oh, diba? Tignan natin kundi manggalaiti sa galit sayo yung pinagsabihan mo nyan.ūüôā